Are You Insecure In Relationships?

Copyright © 2005 Carol Chanel
Certified Life Coach

Feeling insecure in a relationship is a lot like a headache: most
of us experience the pain of it at one time or another and its
curable once we know what causes it and what to do to avoid it.

This 'pain' is most acute in romantic relationships. They
can really bring out our insecurities. Insecure - lacking
self-confidence.

Here's the interesting thing. Almost everyone is insecure about
some aspect of themselves. So if almost everyone has something
they worry about, or don't feel confident about, then how can
they make you feel better about yourself? They can't. They're
busy trying to get ahead or just get by in this world.

We're going to look at what causes you to feel insecure in
relationships? What you can do to feel more secure in a
romantic relationship? Who you can be to let confidence,
not insecurity, fill you and guide you?


CAUSES OF INSECURITIES

The biggest cause is the need for validation - from someone
else. No one can validate you. Not really. It's not going to
happen often enough, with the right words, at the right time,
in the right way. It's not going to be enough. Only you can
validate you. The ultimate validation occurs when you acknowledge
your connection to the Divine, then you are truly validated.

On a more human level you might be choosing the wrong person
for yourself. If you are a person who likes lots of attention,
you're probably not going to do well with a man or woman who is
completely involved in their own lives with very little time and
energy to spare for you.

Or if you like to share activities you might not want to get
involved with a man who plops down in front of the TV and calls
it a night - at 6 p.m.

Be honest with yourself about what you like, what works and what
doesn't work for you. And then make choices that support your
likes, needs and wants.

Other causes - and we all suffer from these - come from our
childhood or adolescent years. Most of us didn't escape those
early teen years without feeling gawky, unattractive or some
form of embarrassment.

But now you're an adult. Take an objective look at yourself
and move on past those years. That could be an excuse to avoid
being intimate.

Insecurity comes from not valuing yourself. And then expecting
someone else to value you. When they don't - look out, you
crash. And then your self-confidence really plummets.


TO FEEL MORE SECURE

So in order to feel more secure you need to boost your
self-confidence. It's time to be honest here. There are four
areas - emotional, spiritual, physical and mental - that need
to be addressed.

What are some of your good qualities? The things your mother
praises about you, the things your best friend notices and
points out.

If you've forgotten what those qualities are - ask a friend,
family member, or an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Choose
someone you trust.

Then work on the physical part. What is it you really need to
change? You know the one or two things you don't like about
yourself that you can easily change.

Do you want to lose 10 pounds? Then start an exercise program
and learn to eat properly. Do you want to tone your muscles?
Get an exercise video or hire a trainer. Do you want to dress
differently? Hire an image consultant or get a hip friend to
take you shopping.

Maybe you want to stop smoking or start meditating to feel
calmer and peaceful.

Start with one thing that will allow you to feel better about
yourself. Something easy. Something achievable. You will
build momentum.

Then take a look at the spiritual part - what is your spiritual
life like? Do you believe in a higher power? If so, are you in
gratitude for the things you do have? Like two arms, legs, a
healthy heart. Or do you complain about what you don't have?

Gratitude lifts your self-confidence by strengthening your core.

Are you giving and loving to others? If you want to feel better
about yourself - give love to others. A generous heart works
every time.

To lift up the mental part look at what information you are
soaking up. Are you watching violent movies or soap operas
or reading melodramatic novels? Are you glued to CNN?

The problem with those things is they connect you to low energy
emotions of blame, regret, anxiety, humiliation, shame and even
hatred.

Read uplifting stories, watch The Biography Channel or other
interesting programming. Involve your mind in topics and with
people who aren't living in melodrama or negativity, but instead
prefer to think positively and lovingly.

The emotional part will follow when you get the other three in
order. Diet, exercise, spiritual growth and what your mind is
exposed to, naturally affect your emotions because then you are
in a loving energy field.

And if you are still suffering, then please get some professional
help. There's no shame in that. Don't suffer on your own.


WHO YOU CAN BE?

You can BE a beacon of light. You can choose to be loving. You
can choose to think light filled thoughts. You can be a source
of hope, inspiration and joy.

When you reconnect to the light you will feel wonderful about
yourself. Yes we all have our mountains to climb. That's life.
We don't need to choose to feel insecure because of our
mountains.

I like this quote from Khan that Wayne Dyer used in his book
"There's A Spiritual Solution to Every Problem":

"The solution to the problem of the day is the awakening of the
consciousness of humanity to the divinity within." Hazrat
Inayat Khan

Think about it - you are connected to the Divine Source. You
are part of that Source, just like a wave is part of the ocean.
It looks like it's separate but it ultimately flows back into
the ocean. So by acknowledging that you are part of the Divine
Source then you can't be inferior. Say a pray, call to the
angels, go to church, take a hike or a long walk by the ocean.
Do something that puts you in touch with nature and your
connection.

Take the steps to improve how you feel about yourself, to
reconnect to the Divine Source. You're not inferior. You
don't need to feel insecure. You are loved and you are able
to love.

Start today and set up a plan to begin to increase your
self-confidence. Don't let anything be an excuse.

Love others and yourself, be in gratitude, read uplifting
stories or great spiritual books, exercise and eat healthy
foods, don't make wrong choices.

© Carol C. Chanel, 2004-2005